Every once in a console generation, the many men and women, warriors and kings, creatures and critters of the Nintendo universe take a break from their usual lives in order to appease the masses by joining together and beating the fucking snot out of each other. Super Smash Brothers Ultimate is the most recent and most jam packed gaming family gathering to grace the screens of our beautiful Nintendo Switch.
I’ve recently been having a thought on this recurring phenomenon: “Why does it have to be fighting?” What if we lost the “Smash” in Super Smash Brothers and got some competitive diversity? Let’s get a Super Sing Brothers for all the musicians in the world. The options are endless! Super Sprint Brother (footraces), Super Sauté Brothers (cook-off), Super Sanitary Brothers (cleaning? Maybe not). Okay whatever, the options aren’t endless but there’s some room here to branch out.
Just stay with me here and keep your mind open. We are going to take this roster that has been growing and expanding for decades, and put on our General Manager’s hat and see if we can create an NBA Champion (Super Swish Brothers!!)
The Rules:
We are going to make anyone that is available on the launch day roster for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate available for our team, so any DLC characters who have been announced or have already have “joined the fight” won’t be in here.
Any powers or abilities are allowed to be used on the court, but basketball rules still apply. So Charizard can use his flamethrower, but if the flame torches poor Kirby, then that’s a foul. Fouls aren’t helpful when putting together a championship roster. (suck it Charizard)
Extra equipment is not allowed. This really hurts a lot of our possible draftees as many of them rely on swords or guns or hammers and such. This got a lot characters cut from the final roster. (I’m looking at you Fire Emblem warriors that keep blending together in my head. I don’t want to figure out what sets you guys apart, so I’m not).
Flying is allowed in off-ball situations. Any flight taken while in possession of the ball will be called a travel. A travel is a turnover and turnovers are bad.
Before we get into who made the final roster, I’m just throwing it out there that this isn’t the collection of the best talent or best collection of size and speed. I’m building a roster of compatible skills and personalities that can bring home championships for years to come. I’m creating a dynasty! Alright let’s get started. Coaches first:
STAFF
Solid Snake has everything we need in a coach. He’s smart as hell, and has been in enough tough spots that he is proven to be quite capable of adapting on the fly, while in high pressure situations. He won’t take shit from anyone and he has the perfect gravelly voice thanks to his smoking habit. It’ll kill him faster, but it gives him the perfect coach voice (worth it).
Assistant Coaches:
Zelda - She’s been a leader her entire life and despite the young age she has the experience needed to make tough decisions. She lost out on the head coach spot because she may have some bias in favor and against some players that I’ll talk about later. We can’t have our head coach picking favorites (Snake will hate all of them equally).
Isabelle - She’s made a career off being an assistant in her normal game life, so she slots in perfectly as our assistant. She shies away from confrontation so she does more assisting to our head coach than she does actually critiquing the players (most of whom do NOT shy away from confrontation).
Training Staff:
Dr. Mario - There’s going be injuries going on all over the place. These players are leaving the fighting world to join a team sport. I predict practices going awry and hands to be thrown in order to solve any disputes. It’ll be good to have a doctor on board.
Wii Fit Trainer - I don’t know, this one just seemed obvious. She will help to lead stretching exercises and help keep the squad in peak condition I guess. There’s probably other qualifications too, but honestly I’m not going to waste my time with it. You have “trainer” in the name and you make the training staff. Congrats and welcome aboard (don’t mention Pokemon Trainer, just move on).
THE SQUAD
Height: 3’3”
NBA Comparisons: John Wall / De’aaron Fox
Sonic is little but he is FAST. His lack of size is going to hinder some passing but the space he can create with his speed is going to be able to make up for that. I’d say he would be able to get anywhere he wants on the court, but I’m not going to expect a lot of points since if the defense is in position I’d guess anything he puts up is going to get swatted to the bleachers (not helpful) Sonic may not possess the control and stability that is preferred in your starting point guard, as he can tend to be a little reckless with the ball and rely on his speed too much, which can get him into tough positions. He is a fast break menace, though, with quick hands on defense (helpful) so it’ll be worth all the turnovers that come with it.
Greninja is the steadying presence at the backup point guard that can relieve some of the chaos that comes with Sonic’s play. He is calm, cool, and collected and will occasionally finish out games in place of Sonic when he is being a little too careless. His scarf is also his tongue. I don’t really know how that applies to basketball, but I just found that out and and everyone needs to know.
Young Link is the budding prospect at the end of the bench. Won’t see playing time unless the game is a blowout. At somewhere around the age of 9, he has the potential to become great someday. (Link didn’t make the final roster, but we aren’t supposed to know what Young Link becomes. Young = Potential).
Height: 5’5”
NBA Comparisons: Klay Thompson / Danny Green
I’ll admit right up front that Luigi is not the most talented guy that could have been slotted in here. He’s a solid player but he isn’t blowing anyone away with his skill. He brings something to the table, though, that is important when constructing a winning team: lack of stardom (it’s a good thing here). There’s only ONE ball in the game of basketball and not everyone gets to be the hero every game of the season. It’s important to have players who are happy without all the glory. He’s been playing second fiddle to his brother for his entire life and he doesn’t complain, but when given his time to shine can still excel (Luigi’s Mansion is underrated). Good morale is necessary to keep a team running smoothly and Luigi is the kind of low maintenance guy that can keep that train running smoothly.
Shulk is the ultimate specialist. Using the Monado arts, Shulk can adapt his physical attributes to match what is needed at any moment. Whether it’s an extra dose of speed or some extra bounciness, he can come out and give us what we need. Also every team needs a guy willing to go shirtless out in public.
We needed more flyers on the team! Pit’s known for his accuracy and an easygoing personality. He can come out and zip around and hit a couple jumpers when we need one. Mostly the flying thing though.
Height: 5’9”
NBA Comparisons:Paul George / Andre Iguodala
Ryu is the silent workaholic. He, like Luigi, doesn’t need to be in the limelight at all times. He wants to master his craft and his constant work leads to steady improvement from year to year. Each season Ryu is going to have something extra added to his game and that steady work makes him a late blooming veteran who finds an essential role on the team. He is not going to be anyone’s favorite. He’ll be a big bucketful of bland with a side of fine. He’ll play every minute of a game without ever leaving a lasting impression. At the end of the game, though, he’ll have stuffed every inch of that box score. He’s the kind of guy you need and the kind of guy that will show the youngins how to work. (this is how Young Link becomes better than regular Link)
Incineroar is definitely on the team for his skill rather than his “coachable” personality (he’s an ass). He just wants to get his stats and doesn’t handle constructive criticism well, but he’s strong and fast and can single pawedly (he’s a cat, paws, not hands) win a big game on his own.
Had to pick someone from the Star Fox universe (sorry Fox and Falco). They are all quick and agile, but they all have a bit of arrogance and recklessness to go along with their talent. Wolf has the worst intentions of them (he’s the bad guy after all) but seems the most likely to remain level headed in a tough situation. Plus he’s like a foot taller than the other two.
Height: 6’7”
NBA Comparisons: Lebron James / Kawhi Leonard
This was probably my easiest selection on the team and a quick insert into the starting lineup. With Mewtwo’s abilities, intelligence, and physical prowess he is the centerpiece of the team. His tail gives him a fifth limb to deflect passes. His psychic powers can move the ball on defense and guide shots on target on offense, not to mention LITERALLY getting into the heads of the opposing team. Flight may be the biggest thing I overlooked when selecting this team. I could have made an all flight team that would have probably excelled regardless of other skill, but Mewtwo is the lone aerial threat in this starting lineup. Put that alongside unnatural strength and speed, Mewtwo can overwhelm anyone on any team he goes up against. He could probably single handedly (I’m calling them hands) lead a team to a deep playoff run on his own, and we are putting him around some incredible talent. He’s the cornerstone.
There are players who classify as rebounding specialists even though they are undersized, simply by being scrappy and having a big ass. Wario checks both these boxes and will booty bump you out of the way and bite you if you try to bump back.
Height: 7’6”
NBA Comparisons: Joel Embiid / Deandre Ayton
Ganondorf is on this team more for being an incredible physical specimen than anything. He is big and strong and can be light enough on his feet that he can be a defensive juggernaut at the rim. On the offensive side, he can rip the rim off the backboard with rattling dunks but possesses the finesse to finish around the rim with some touch when necessary. I don’t know how much dark magic is going to help him on the court, but having it in his back pocket is a nice bonus probably. Ganondorf could come in and lead the league in rebounds without breaking sweat. The only issue is his ability to take a role under the top dog that is Mewtwo. When he can accept his rightful secondary role, the entire team is at their most destructive.
Bayonetta is probably the best player to be coming off the bench. She would tower over everyone (she’s over 8 feet tall!!) and is the bendiest player we could get. She’ll come in and block someone with her foot! (high heels only, no sneakers). She is the defensive ace in the hole and can easily be slotted in for Ganondorf to finish a game if he is having an off game or having issues taking a back seat to Mewtwo's stardom.
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